Ashington Parish Council – The October Saga Unveiled

Ah, the bewitching month of October, where pumpkins, autumn leaves, and the riveting Ashington Parish Council meeting all converge in a tale that’s almost too good to be true. Buckle up, villagers, we’re diving into the drama and the devilish details.

“A Tree Grows in Ashington”

What’s that? Trees behind numbers 15 and 16 have dared to grow tall? Outrageous! The council’s own maintenance contractor took one look and said, “Crikey, we might need a tree surgeon for this!” The suspense is palpable as we wait for the annual land inspection in November. It’s like “Game of Thrones” with more leaves and less betrayal.

The Case of the Growing Garage – Honey, I Expanded the Shed!

Cllr Spiers, with a keen eye that misses nothing, questions whether the new residential garage on Billingshurst Road has been lifting weights. It seems to have bulked up a bit, looking even larger than its predecessor. Did it get planning permission for that growth spurt, or is it just flexing without a license?

The Bellway Homes Plot Twist – Land West of Ashington School

Ah, the Neighbourhood Plan — the soap opera of local governance. Cue dramatic music as landowners and developers attempt a clandestine meeting with the Chairman. But wait, the plot thickens: the request was declined! Somebody cue the suspenseful violin.

Why did the landowning councillor get a standing ovation at the last meeting? Because he finally figured out when to stand up and leave the room!

The audience gasps as some councillors express their concerns. Can one be a landowner and a councillor at the same time? Apparently, yes — as long as you’re good at musical chairs and leave the room when your own land is discussed. It’s like being a judge in a baking competition but having to recuse yourself because you’ve got a pie in the running.

The council was united in its decision that any amorous engagements with Bellway Homes should be in the public eye, with every councillor invited. Extraordinary meetings, public forums, the whole shebang. It’s good to know that when it comes to planning the future of our village, we’re keeping it as open as the Vicar’s annual Easter sermon.

Setting the date and the agenda for this public showdown falls on the ever-reliable Clerk. We might as well start referring to them as the “Agenda Avenger.”

Speedwatch – Fast & Furious Ashington Drift

Ah yes, the Speedwatch update. New road signs were painted and yet, somehow, 14% of drivers thought they were auditioning for the next ‘Fast and Furious’ film. Nice try, Vin Diesel wannabes; you’ve been reported!

In Search of Power Hungry Volunteers

The Speedwatch squad is down to a valiant four. The council pondered whether advertising might find some thrill-seekers eager to brandish speed guns. That’s right, folks—this could be your chance to wield the most power you’ve had since controlling the playlist at the Christmas party.

So, if you’ve ever fancied yourself as a mix between James Bond and your favourite neighbourhood watch member, then strap on those hi-vis jackets and grab a speed gun! With great power comes great responsibility—but let’s face it, it also comes with great stories to tell at the pub. “License to… slow down?”

The Green Dream

Good news, eco-warriors! The Red Lion is backing the wildflower initiative. As for the signage, it will be as sustainable as your grandma’s chutney recipe. Kudos to all those residents chomping at the bit to be green.

So, for all you green thumbs and sustainability enthusiasts—go on, give yourselves a pat on the back. You’re making Greta Thunberg smile, one compost bin at a time.

Talking About Talking

Ah, the art of communication, a subject that has more channels these days than a TV with a broken remote. The council had a natter about how to keep villagers in the loop. How do you, dear villagers, like to get your news? Through Facebook memes that you can click ‘Like’ on whilst sipping your morning tea? Perhaps you prefer a physical newsletter, which can double up as a cat bed or emergency wallpaper?

And let’s not overlook the upcoming revamp of the “village information pack.” Who needs J.K. Rowling’s latest when you can immerse yourself in the thrill-a-minute pages of local services, bin collection dates, and parish council contacts? I can already see you, bookmarking the dog fouling regulations, all set for a good read under the duvet.

Money Matters – From Scrooge to Santa

Eon has bestowed upon us a 1-year fixed-rate plan that looks suspiciously like they’ve discovered we’re not, in fact, fuelling the next space expedition. The standing charge has dropped from 100p to a mere 56p a day, and the unit rate from a whopping 144.10p per kWh to just 36.7p. They must have finally noticed we’re just powering electric kettles and the odd disco light, not a rocket launch to Mars.

Not So Secret Gardens and Land Affairs

Funds might soon be available for those looking to plant memorial trees. If only money grew on them too! The ACCT is mulling over a radical idea: planting a row of trees by the kiddie playground. We can already imagine a future generation of youngsters swinging from the branches, totally ignoring the actual playground equipment.

The Enigma of the Rogue Banner

Our eagle-eyed Cllr Ball has noted the appearance of a rogue banner at the garage junction. The tension is palpable; you could cut it with a knife, or perhaps with the scissors used to cut the banner fabric. This banner situation is basically Ashington’s equivalent of a Dan Brown novel — full of intrigue, suspense, and amateur sleuthing.

The council has taken this very seriously. Wardens will be notified. Discussions will be had. Tea will be drunk. And the council chamber’s very own Sherlock Holmes will continue investigating this high-stakes enigma. Now, if it turns out the banner is advertising a ‘2 for 1’ tyre sale, don’t be disappointed. Mystery makes the village go round—or at least, it gives us something to gossip about at the Red Lion.

Electric Avenue – EV Chargers

So, you’ve been pacing up and down Rectory Lane, looking for a glimmer of electric hope. A new EV charging station was promised, and you’ve been checking your phone for updates like it’s the release day of the next iPhone. But alas, no updates. The consultation ended in August, and we were promised action starting in September, yet here we are.

It’s like ‘Waiting for Godot,’ but even Godot had the decency to never show up. Here, we don’t even know who or what we’re waiting for. Could it be that the charging points are just a myth, a legend spoken about in the hushed tones of villagers longing for a greener future? Or maybe they’re stuck in the same traffic jam as our punctual bus service.

The clerk is as mystified as you are. Notes will be taken. Heads will be scratched. Emails will probably be sent. But for now, keep waiting, villagers. And maybe don’t sell your petrol cars just yet.

Planning & Plots

Oh, planning—you either love it, or you love to hate it. This month, the drama unfolds around the Rampion 2 Offshore Wind Farm. The council’s got its reading glasses on, scrutinising the details because, brace yourselves, the cable route for this eco-extravaganza might just cut through the peaceful chaos of our beloved Washington. You can almost hear the collective gasp in the village hall.

No one’s sure how exactly this will impact the traffic around Ashington, but we’re registering as an interested party so we can get front row seats to the theatrics. We just hope it’s more ‘Broadway’ and less ‘pantomime.’ Will the cable route be the villain of the piece, or the unlikely hero, bringing wind-powered enlightenment to our lives?

Will the Councillors play the part of concerned citizens or transform into environmental crusaders? Only time will tell. But let’s face it, anything that distracts us from the monotony of morning traffic is a win in our book.

Village Funds – Not Quite a Lottery Jackpot

In a sweeping act of fiscal coordination, ACCT is sending over £800 to the Parish Council. This sum, which originated from the dissolved Friends of Ashington Village, will be added to a stash that already totals £2,266.42. It’s like a game of Monopoly where everyone’s just passing Go and collecting £200, isn’t it? Councillors agreed to this redistribution, though we haven’t heard if they shook on it or just nodded solemnly across the Zoom call.

The Whole Nine Yards

For those of you craving the unabridged, unadulterated, and absolutely thrilling tale of bureaucratic mastery, fear not! The full minutes of the meeting are available for your perusal on the Ashington Parish Council website. You can delve into the exhilarating read here.

Mark Your Calendars

Next council meeting is on Thursday, 2nd November 2023. Come for the bureaucracy, stay for the biscuits.

Until next time, Ashington, may your trees be pruned and your speed limits observed. Cheers!